I once met a man in a pub and he said to me after a lot of drinks and a few smacks on the arse that he once made the plans for a time machine. I went quickly back to my senses and found I was actually drunk at Rawsons house and he was actually smacking himself on the arse in a semi-porno graphical way. He said to me again “Jameson, I have the plan for a time machine” I said “you fool Rawson it will never work” he replied my dad will help us build it, so I said “ah good old reliable John”.

I never really saw the plans properly for myself but I know they were on a large piece of toilet paper labelled “the future/past/present transportation device for travelling though the inter-dimensional rifts of time or time machine” Rawson and his father had nothing to do with this piece of paper, it had been passed down the Rawson generations for years.

I believe the ingredients for this pioneering device were something like this:

1 abandoned abbey
about 3 absent minded and absurd accidents (any type)
some high quality accommodation
an acrobat with a head ache
an adopted giraffe from Banham zoo
2 shocking pink anoraks
a native African with a bone marrow disease
6 apple trees
the 301 page of the bible
45 hot bananas
a canoe
5 large cheese sandwiches
a piece of cotton from father Christmas's bra
a Danish dancers danish
diabetes
a sardine can
the foreskin from a fully grown male south African rhino
a lighting bolt
a bomb from the 1980’s
John Lennon's Skull
Steven Hawking’s glasses and right leg
17 fishmongers holding an egg and cheese flan
3 grandmas in go karts
a guinea pig with genital warts
Mrs Johnson’s husband
Lawrence’s virginity
all French people
a large flashing light bulb
a second hand door frame
some sherry
and a bottle of gin

Then place into a large oven and simmer for 3 hours. Then take out and pay your auntie to eat some there will then be a large explosion.

We did make the time machine but in the end it didn’t work, but life goes on.

Laters
Jameson
@the Jurassic

Article Written By Jameson
jugsy_the_bugsy@hotmail.com