Step 1: Set the mood.

You need to seriously injure the first salesman you see. This will ensure that the other transaction brokers respect and fear you. The two most effective means of injury are as follows:

a) Bludgeon several times with an obscure object. A potted plant works best but at the automobile depository you may find something equally as painful close by. Go with your instincts.
b) Bite said auto vendor representative in a sensitive area. This will produce girlish screams and be quite exciting for the other salesmen.

Step 2: Find another salesman.

This will be difficult because most of them will be hiding after witnessing step one. It is important to pick the most terrified. His or her trepidation will be important for the next step.

Step 3: Haggling.

Remember, the automobile broker fears for his or her life so you make the rules. Tell him or her to call you Susan Dildo Pants and make him or her put his or her jacket on backwards. Now that he or she is thoroughly confused start with the lowest number you can think of. Perhaps something like four pounds. If you properly executed steps one and two then he or she will agree to this number and you have yourself a car. If he or she declines your offer, then repeat steps one and two.

Step 4: Your new car.

Now that you have the car you must make a stylish exit. Execute two handbrake turns, give the automobile business operators the finger and scream, "That’ll show you to try and take advantage of Susan Dildo Pants." The number of handbrake turns is important. One or zero is considered disrespectful and three or more is just showing off.

Enjoy your new car and remember the rules;

Pedestrians: 5 Points

Bicyclists: 10 Points

Mormon Bicyclists: 5 Points

Mormons off their Bicycles: 50 Points

Children Pedestrians: 15 Points

Subtract 50% for anyone hit on traffic lights crossing

Add 50% for anyone hit while in a building

- Paul Hardcastle ["The beast awokens"]

Article Written By Hardcastle
bumsquig@hotmail.com