So I’m looking back to ‘the olden days’, you know – the time when no-one had a clue. It may only be 4 or 5 years ago now, but times have certainly changed, and whilst I’m not trying to write another ‘time goes by article, id like to reflect on the changing view of those around the online net over this time.

Of course, the online net was not even imagined back then, so the details will be more than rusty.

This tragic story of despair and loss goes back to 1997, when we were in year 7. Neat little quirk that…

Dave ‘randeh’ Randall was a pretty boy an army boy, and he was that. This was probably centralised around his love of scouts, and the way in which he was in command of people. I’ve heard stories and it sounds like they had fun. The group involved people like Jameson, and the legendary general walling – the only man in the history of our school to know the exact calibre of over 14,000 weapons.

Anyway, when war, the army, or something vaguely militaristic was even muttered, everyone would be sure that Dave would be there to make some sort of crazy comment, or “do that gun thing”.

So, after joining the army cadets for a few months, I was surprised when he left. He gave his reasons, about how he “had priorities” which at the time made sense, as we were in the middle of our GCSE’s, but the fact that he has never rejoined surprised me even more. I always saw Dave as someone who would one day join the military, and follow in his own footsteps. However, this tale then took another turn, and Dave joined the food preparation army. Whilst Dave obviously enjoys his food, I never saw him as someone who would even consider working in somewhere as… disgustingly poor… as McDonalds. Well – this single instance of ‘crazy career syndrome’ (as I have aptly named it) does not deserve too much concern. In the end, a simple weekend job is of no real consequence in the grand scale, and so I put the matter of David’s doom to the back of the shelf.

So the next excuse for the label ‘crazy career syndrome’ is the legendary Shields.

Back in year seven again, Chris was also a member of the scouts. He was also into the whole army thing, and I had visions of him dressing up in white and calling himself a ‘semen’. I supported him in this, and at one point joined him in going to the army cadets, before even Dave had been. This hope died quickly, as I found the experience boring, and he couldn’t find anyone else to go with him.

Anyway as time progressed, it seemed that Chris had forgotten his dream of running around with a gun. Next he began to describe to me how he had visions of becoming a fireman. I’m not sure why this was his first real career choice, maybe he wanted to become something meaningful, or maybe he just liked the idea of holding a long hose for the first time, but anyway – this was his dream, and I was going to support him 100%.

He got ideas about how he would train up, and it seemed that this was among the reasons as to why he chose GCSE PE, however – I am not him, and so I cannot deduce his real actions.

The next year, he had his ‘backup plan’ to join the police service. This seemed like a sensible idea, and I realised that it was actually quite a good idea – considering that he had sources in the police who could help him out. I was considering this career choice myself at the time, as the minimum requirements were only a GCSE pass in maths, science, and English.

However, once again, when it came to choosing options for A Level, he had changed his mind again. And this time he was stuck in a decision between his first choices, namely English, drama, media studies, and something else like tech; or a completely non-Shieldsy decision of Biology, Chemistry, Drama, and Film studies.

He took the non shieldsy, second decision.

The next statement that I’m going to deduce, may seem a little light hearted and foolish, but I think that part of the reason as to why he wishes to become a doctor, is because we called him Dr Shields for the entire summer, and this must have got him thinking. That or he saw a picture of a nurse in suspenders and a tight dress, and liked the idea of ‘playing doctors and nurses’. Now he is following in his mothers footsteps, and will hopefully become a renowned physician.

So, now he has chosen a path, will he follow it till death? And if not, then more importantly what will his next choice be?

I have drawn this simple graph to show his choices, and how his journey has proceeded to this day:

As can be seen, the standard colour code ‘dark green, red, blue, green, magenta’ is in force here. However – this may have deeper meaning. For example, what will happen if we take magenta to be pink, and use the initials from the shown colours.

The initials of the colours spell DG, R, B, P. Or more exactly Do Girls Really Bite Penis’.

Maybe there was a flaw in the objective. Anyway, its clear that Chris’ next stage in development will leave him as a party boy – probably much like the party boy from the well known show ‘Jackass’.

So I wish him luck in his journey – god speed race rabbit.

The next case that I’d like to bring forward in the hunt for Red October cases of ‘crazy career syndrome’ shall be the case of the once legendary Jameson. As always, he will complain about this in an inversely proportional amount compared to the amount that I didn’t complain about the things he originally wrote about me in one of his Jameson insults Rawson ‘articles’. However, if he does complain, not only will I not take an article of mine down ever again, but also I shall ad him to the ‘complaints commission’ - and I shall get content for TON from his anger.

‘All seeing’

Anyway – he started out like the rest of us, jobless and with little money. Soon however – he had a job. It was the worst job ever (in my opinion), and whilst I only ever managed to help him to do it twice, I made enough fuss about it to pretend that I helped out many a time. You see, this round – whilst being ‘high paying’ in the grand scheme of things, was stupidly long. In fact it was over 15 miles long, and once the round had finished, there was still another 9 miles to ride home, even when totally knackered. The entire round was also uphill at every point. Now – this may seem impossible but I have pictures to prove that it is not. Whilst there must be a logical explanation for this, there isn’t. So Jameson had money, and he frittered it away on whatever a year 8 pupil of a small high school North of West-Bromley would do – he imported masses of pornography from Sweden, and the surrounding areas.

Sooner or later, he had filled his room, and so he had an extension built to house this colossal mountain of “Sexy Susan’s Strenuous Staple Sex” video’s that he had accumulated. But to pay for this he needed more money, and so he took a few more jobs. As the paper round wasn’t boring enough, he decided to take a job at a well known store with Fiona Howe (the one that Sam Williams likes).

Here, he would spend his day writing short articles bout Mark Hulley, and the giant banana’s. This is an obvious sign that his craziness had been divided into small cans of whoop-ass, that he would open at the weekend during the not so busy – busy periods to make everything *sparkly*.

He continues his work – saying things like “This is a James Davey announcement – It’s getting hot in here, so could all customers please take of all your clothes” at which he would get the standard reply “its not getting hot, so fuck off you pervert”.

James’ main flaw was that he then dropped all educational courses for A-level, for his favourite courses. This ‘career craziness syndrome’ example shows that – he now doesn’t have much choice, if he decides that drama isn’t his thing, and then he has to reconsider the entire thing. Now – Jameson has his path planned out and I am sure that he will become a famous singer/dramatistismist/porn star, and he is not suited for courses that are too book/computer based as he tends to get bored and tell jokes. The only comment that I have is that personally I would have adopted Shields approach – he is taking some courses that he enjoys a lot, and some more book based ones that he enjoys – but he is willing to base a career on. If he gets bored with on, he still has many choices to choose among – he has at least 5 backup plans. 6 if you include the navy stripper idea. Wait – that’s a perfect idea - Navy Stripper, N.S.

That brings the initials up to.
Do Girls Really Bite Penis’?
No Sorry.

This finally proves that the whole career choice system, is nothing but one big wind up, and the quicker that you realise this – the quicker you will end up like me; employed.

Something needs a rethink.

Article Written by sesh