MAIN » ARTICLESHow Much of an Alcoholic is: David Randall
AS a follow up to one of my last articles titled “How Crazy is David Randall”, I bring you an insight into the drinking habits of the man known widely as Randy.
A long term drinker, David grew up on drinks such as Stella Artois. It was a long-long time ago that I walked into David’s Pit of Deceit – often known as his bedroom, to find empty bottles (‘stubbies’) sitting on his bedside table, or on the ground in among the bed of underwear, grooming products, weaponry and of course pornography. I was to walk into that room many times over the years, and it was usually easy to conclude without very much scientific investigation, that he had been drinking over the past few days– although not the copious amounts that it is seen for him to drink nowadays.
I gave up writing this article for about a month, so this will be pretty complicated – but I made a nice series of bullets to stress my points. I shan’t share them with the likes of you however, so you will have to read on in order to understand.
So, one thing to consider, is that Dave recently wrote an entire article dedicated to alcohol… but Rawson, you may say – isn’t this the same thing. The answer I would give would be no, although I would not justify it. Why? I don’t need too – if you are intelligent enough, you will be able to comprehend the forces that exist. One force pushing towards x, another pushing away. Where is the resultant force? Is its direction known? Maybe a little off the point, but religion had to me mentioned somewhere on TON.
So Dave took a period of time away from alcohol – he was on DETOX a common misconception. Detox was advised by a guardian, yet upon arriving at Scarlott’s party, he was confronted with a tragic situation:
Someone: Want a beer?
Dave: Nah thanks – but I’m on Detox, got any soft drinks?
Someone: No, We have cider though – would you…. (Cuts in)
Dave (cuts in): ‘Tshhhhh’
Whilst having a lot of will power, it was quite obvious where his morals lay – next to him, in the gutter. The drinking continued, and what was worse – it was low quality cider.
This kept on through a series of parties through the summer, all building up to the Leeds festival. We took a fair amount with us, but the problems lay not with amount, but of container. We were stopped by security for taking glass bottles.
So here was the problem. We have 20 ‘stubbies’ (small bottles - total 5 litres) of Stella, and some san mig’ (maybe 2 litres?) and we can’t take bottles in. We have two two-litre bottles of water, and a 5 litre bottle of water. We are sitting in the middle of a mass migration of people, in the middle of the group. The security guard has given us our options:
1) To throw the bottles into the big pile accumulating next to two happy security guards.
2) To drink the beer
3) To put the beer in different containers.
Obviously we had to try number two at first. This intense drinking lasted for a few minutes, until we realised that 8 litres of beer was quite a lot, and it would be nice to have some for the other four days. So it was decided to put the stella in the big five litre bottle, and the san mig to be divided equally across the other two bottles. So, we emptied all the water out – causing a big puddle, and adopted the ‘one for me, three for bottle’ approach of pouring alcohol into replacement containers. This quickly became a problem however, as pouring beer tends to result in a lot of head, which quickly meant that we had 4 litres of white froth, and a litre of brown liquid in the main tank. We sat there for a long time, moving beer around, until eventually we had emptied all of the bottles. The bottle opener must have had a field day.
So we entered the festival, did everything, and set up the tents. It seemed a good idea to use the heaviest object to tie one of the internal strings to in the tent (since the tent construction was dire) and so the string was tied to the Stella bottle as an anchor. Sadly though, this meant that the entire tent was relying upon the liquid being in the bottle for the duration. This was never a brilliant idea – due to the fact that Dave drank us down three to four litres on the first night, and then successfully ‘blew chunks’ close to a nearby tent. He did manage to strike up a conversation with that tents owner in between exploding however, so alls well that ends well.
Except it didn’t, since the reduction in beer allowed someone to cause major damage to the tent when they accidentally tried to walk over it. There were foot prints and everything.
So the tent fell apart, and there was some beer left at the end, that didn’t look too appealing, and so was labelled ‘urine’ and left for the cleaners to deal with.
Thus, it is possible to see that Dave likes to drink. He is not however an alcoholic, and was never seen to be anything like one. This makes this entire article completely pointless once again, and allows me to sleep well at night.
So I shall finish this pint, and go to bed with the cat.
Night Night
Written by Rawson
A long term drinker, David grew up on drinks such as Stella Artois. It was a long-long time ago that I walked into David’s Pit of Deceit – often known as his bedroom, to find empty bottles (‘stubbies’) sitting on his bedside table, or on the ground in among the bed of underwear, grooming products, weaponry and of course pornography. I was to walk into that room many times over the years, and it was usually easy to conclude without very much scientific investigation, that he had been drinking over the past few days– although not the copious amounts that it is seen for him to drink nowadays.
I gave up writing this article for about a month, so this will be pretty complicated – but I made a nice series of bullets to stress my points. I shan’t share them with the likes of you however, so you will have to read on in order to understand.
So, one thing to consider, is that Dave recently wrote an entire article dedicated to alcohol… but Rawson, you may say – isn’t this the same thing. The answer I would give would be no, although I would not justify it. Why? I don’t need too – if you are intelligent enough, you will be able to comprehend the forces that exist. One force pushing towards x, another pushing away. Where is the resultant force? Is its direction known? Maybe a little off the point, but religion had to me mentioned somewhere on TON.
So Dave took a period of time away from alcohol – he was on DETOX a common misconception. Detox was advised by a guardian, yet upon arriving at Scarlott’s party, he was confronted with a tragic situation:
Someone: Want a beer?
Dave: Nah thanks – but I’m on Detox, got any soft drinks?
Someone: No, We have cider though – would you…. (Cuts in)
Dave (cuts in): ‘Tshhhhh’
Whilst having a lot of will power, it was quite obvious where his morals lay – next to him, in the gutter. The drinking continued, and what was worse – it was low quality cider.
This kept on through a series of parties through the summer, all building up to the Leeds festival. We took a fair amount with us, but the problems lay not with amount, but of container. We were stopped by security for taking glass bottles.
So here was the problem. We have 20 ‘stubbies’ (small bottles - total 5 litres) of Stella, and some san mig’ (maybe 2 litres?) and we can’t take bottles in. We have two two-litre bottles of water, and a 5 litre bottle of water. We are sitting in the middle of a mass migration of people, in the middle of the group. The security guard has given us our options:
1) To throw the bottles into the big pile accumulating next to two happy security guards.
2) To drink the beer
3) To put the beer in different containers.
Obviously we had to try number two at first. This intense drinking lasted for a few minutes, until we realised that 8 litres of beer was quite a lot, and it would be nice to have some for the other four days. So it was decided to put the stella in the big five litre bottle, and the san mig to be divided equally across the other two bottles. So, we emptied all the water out – causing a big puddle, and adopted the ‘one for me, three for bottle’ approach of pouring alcohol into replacement containers. This quickly became a problem however, as pouring beer tends to result in a lot of head, which quickly meant that we had 4 litres of white froth, and a litre of brown liquid in the main tank. We sat there for a long time, moving beer around, until eventually we had emptied all of the bottles. The bottle opener must have had a field day.
So we entered the festival, did everything, and set up the tents. It seemed a good idea to use the heaviest object to tie one of the internal strings to in the tent (since the tent construction was dire) and so the string was tied to the Stella bottle as an anchor. Sadly though, this meant that the entire tent was relying upon the liquid being in the bottle for the duration. This was never a brilliant idea – due to the fact that Dave drank us down three to four litres on the first night, and then successfully ‘blew chunks’ close to a nearby tent. He did manage to strike up a conversation with that tents owner in between exploding however, so alls well that ends well.
Except it didn’t, since the reduction in beer allowed someone to cause major damage to the tent when they accidentally tried to walk over it. There were foot prints and everything.
So the tent fell apart, and there was some beer left at the end, that didn’t look too appealing, and so was labelled ‘urine’ and left for the cleaners to deal with.
Thus, it is possible to see that Dave likes to drink. He is not however an alcoholic, and was never seen to be anything like one. This makes this entire article completely pointless once again, and allows me to sleep well at night.
So I shall finish this pint, and go to bed with the cat.
Night Night
Written by Rawson