MAIN » ARTICLESRaising the Alarm
Before I start, this article is just one long ranting bitch about alarm clocks and how much they piss me off. If you are one of those stupid fucks who likes alarm clocks, or you'd prefer something interesting to read, I suggest you check out article 261 on Cinema in 2003, or just leave now.
This guy loves alarm clocks, but he's got lots of problems. Now I'm convinced that using an alarm clock to wake yourself up in the morning, especially if you haven't slept more than 8 hours the night before, lowers your sperm count. Unfortunately I can't quite back this belief up with scientific theory... yet, but I think we can safely assume I'm right. Everything in the world needs to sleep. It's like putting the batteries back in the charger, or the towel on the radiator. If you use the batteries for too long they run out and you have to charge them again or they'll stay redudent forever. If you don't dry out a towel and you keep trying to use it wet, then it'll still work, but it's efficiency will drop, and your ass won't get as dry as you need.
Humans are a lot like a combination of these towels and batteries, a battery powered towel perhaps. If we don't sleep, we stop functioning efficiently, we lose basic control of certain body parts and eventually we die. Unfortunately there is not often a charger at the end of it to bring us back, so we have to be more careful than the average AA.
Now, the alarm clock, from it's analogue to digital days goes against this theory, and against the forces of nature. All animals have to sleep to recover and regain energy, but for some reason humans are the one and only lifeform on the planet to invent a device to counter this natural re-generative process. We wake ourselves up early deliberately so we can go places, do things, and meet people in ways that will just make us even more tired. In the strive to buy the biggest house, buy the nicest car and fuck the prettiest girl, we lost track of what our bodies are meant to do each day: wander about, find some food and then fall asleep for 13 hours. If you want a perfect example of a species that got it spot-on, just take a look at cats. Lucky bastards.
I have no doubt that as each new generation comes along, we will gradually reduce the amount of sleep we average per night up to a point. Hardly anybody these days gets the right amount, and I am living proof of that - a walking contradiction to the points I raise. But at least I am aware of this, if a little slow to try and do anything about it.
I decided instead of just going on about why I can't stand UK Garage music, I'd get some hardcore figures and statistics down so you can judge the raw deal for yourselfs, here's the shit:
Testing Alarm Clock Volume Vs. Audibility of PC playing music:
Song: 2Pac - Only God Can Judge Me
Volume: 50%
Distance: 1m from PC, 0m from Alarm Clock
Result: Music is barely audible over the top of the alarm clock, although still unbearable for a long period of time. I break down after about 12 seconds and try to throw it out of the window, which appears to be closed.
Distance: 10m from PC, 0m from Alarm Clock
Result: Stopped alarm after 1 second, couldn't hear a bastard.
Distance: 0m from PC, 10m from Alarm Clock
Result: Can clearly hear music with the alarm clock an irritating, but distant presence. Managed about half the song before I got bored and gave up.
Now, considering the evidence above, I must first evaluate the experiment. If I was to carry out this experiment again I would try considering more songs to test whether varying tempos, bass-lines, rythms and members of a band made any considerable difference. I would also do more tests at different distances and try to calculate averages. To make the whole thing more accurate I could have used a decible-metre, but Rawson wouldn't steal me one, and what would that prove anyway.. really?
What I have found is that Alarm Clocks are bad for 2Pac, and bad for the music-scene in general. If you own CDs, Tapes or any format of music, then the A-Clock is out to get you. The best advice I can give you is to try and seperate the two with at least 10 metres and learn to tolerate it. There's no way to get rid of the devil's machines now, we're trapped on this measly little fucked up planet with them for eternity. I'd much rather be asked by an out-of-control toaster if I'd like toasted bread every few minutes, perhaps even a muffin...
I could go for a muffin right now.
Written by Jay
This guy loves alarm clocks, but he's got lots of problems. Now I'm convinced that using an alarm clock to wake yourself up in the morning, especially if you haven't slept more than 8 hours the night before, lowers your sperm count. Unfortunately I can't quite back this belief up with scientific theory... yet, but I think we can safely assume I'm right. Everything in the world needs to sleep. It's like putting the batteries back in the charger, or the towel on the radiator. If you use the batteries for too long they run out and you have to charge them again or they'll stay redudent forever. If you don't dry out a towel and you keep trying to use it wet, then it'll still work, but it's efficiency will drop, and your ass won't get as dry as you need.
Humans are a lot like a combination of these towels and batteries, a battery powered towel perhaps. If we don't sleep, we stop functioning efficiently, we lose basic control of certain body parts and eventually we die. Unfortunately there is not often a charger at the end of it to bring us back, so we have to be more careful than the average AA.
Now, the alarm clock, from it's analogue to digital days goes against this theory, and against the forces of nature. All animals have to sleep to recover and regain energy, but for some reason humans are the one and only lifeform on the planet to invent a device to counter this natural re-generative process. We wake ourselves up early deliberately so we can go places, do things, and meet people in ways that will just make us even more tired. In the strive to buy the biggest house, buy the nicest car and fuck the prettiest girl, we lost track of what our bodies are meant to do each day: wander about, find some food and then fall asleep for 13 hours. If you want a perfect example of a species that got it spot-on, just take a look at cats. Lucky bastards.
I have no doubt that as each new generation comes along, we will gradually reduce the amount of sleep we average per night up to a point. Hardly anybody these days gets the right amount, and I am living proof of that - a walking contradiction to the points I raise. But at least I am aware of this, if a little slow to try and do anything about it.
I decided instead of just going on about why I can't stand UK Garage music, I'd get some hardcore figures and statistics down so you can judge the raw deal for yourselfs, here's the shit:
Testing Alarm Clock Volume Vs. Audibility of PC playing music:
Song: 2Pac - Only God Can Judge Me
Volume: 50%
Distance: 1m from PC, 0m from Alarm Clock
Result: Music is barely audible over the top of the alarm clock, although still unbearable for a long period of time. I break down after about 12 seconds and try to throw it out of the window, which appears to be closed.
Distance: 10m from PC, 0m from Alarm Clock
Result: Stopped alarm after 1 second, couldn't hear a bastard.
Distance: 0m from PC, 10m from Alarm Clock
Result: Can clearly hear music with the alarm clock an irritating, but distant presence. Managed about half the song before I got bored and gave up.
Now, considering the evidence above, I must first evaluate the experiment. If I was to carry out this experiment again I would try considering more songs to test whether varying tempos, bass-lines, rythms and members of a band made any considerable difference. I would also do more tests at different distances and try to calculate averages. To make the whole thing more accurate I could have used a decible-metre, but Rawson wouldn't steal me one, and what would that prove anyway.. really?
What I have found is that Alarm Clocks are bad for 2Pac, and bad for the music-scene in general. If you own CDs, Tapes or any format of music, then the A-Clock is out to get you. The best advice I can give you is to try and seperate the two with at least 10 metres and learn to tolerate it. There's no way to get rid of the devil's machines now, we're trapped on this measly little fucked up planet with them for eternity. I'd much rather be asked by an out-of-control toaster if I'd like toasted bread every few minutes, perhaps even a muffin...
I could go for a muffin right now.
Written by Jay