MAIN » ARTICLESThoughts on Film-Watching, Part 1
So where is the best place to watch a film? What about the worst? What should you consider to make it a premium experience and what nasty surprises are waiting to ruin it all for you. For part 1, I consider the Aeroplane and the Cinema:
Your headphones only play to one ear, the cabin lights are too bight and to make it worse the person next to you is either flipping enthusiastically through the in-flight magazine or pointing out how much every item of duty-free costs to whoever is unfortunate enough to be sitting the other side of them. Sometimes the fuckers do both, ye gods, can you imagine it?
Watching a movie on a plane is simply one of the worst places to experience film and even when you weight up the situation, accept the inadequate picture and sound quality, you better believe someone else will ruin it for you. The last thing your chum in the next seat wants to do is let you enjoy the director’s cut of Donnie Darko, he wants to decimate any shred of pleasure from the event, extract the remains with an industrial strength mining implement and then discuss the success of the operation with you afterwards.
Say you’re lucky enough to be seated alongside a heavy sleeper or a corpse -- don’t let my pessimistic rant above mislead you, this could happen -- then you can consider yourself lucky. Then you only have the following problems to contend with: The screens. Now unless you’re flying Virgin Atlantic or you’re in a 747, they won’t be anywhere near you. In fact, not only are they too few and far between, half the time you’re guaranteed to be seated right under one of them, ie. Maximum distance from the nearest screen you can watch without dislocating your neck. Better yet, you could even bribe the guy behind you to exchange seats with the rest of your Bacardi miniature, but forget that, because you’ll need it to dampen this ultimately unsatisfying experience later on.
Then there are those people with no bladders who insist on going to the plane’s toilet every 5 minutes, trolleys of food stopping right under your screen so the stewardess can not only serve the fat bastard on the other side with five servings of pretzels and mini-cheddars, but also chat with other passengers nearby about how great planes are and how they enjoyed the movie when it was shown on the flight back from Corfu last week. It was overnight and most passengers were asleep the whole time, you see? Great.
So, you have bad sound, a small badly-lit screen that can be obstructed, you have crappy legroom and annoying neighbours. You got toilet-breakers, food-servers, consumers, digesters, page-flickers and loud snorers and even then, you can’t watch anything above a 12A. They even make you pay for headphones on some flights, the money-grabbing, crap-film-showing, always-so-fucking-friendly fiends.
2/10
The Cinema, the Mecca of film-loving students and connoisseurs alike. Is there anywhere better to enjoy a new blockbuster or re-run of a classic? Leading questions like that tend to suggest to me that perhaps there isn’t. It has everything, perfect sound, great picture quality on huge screens and quality, albeit expensive, food. In fact, on paper there isn’t really anything about the cinema to complain about. I’ve watched more films at the cinema than on an aeroplane by several hundred but there is much more to say about the farce that is mile-high film appreciation.
Or is there? The cinema may be the daddy of all locations, but it’s the people who really mess this up and more regularly than you can ignore as well. If you’re seeing a PG or a 12A (12A now being the most common film rating in the UK), which now and again you will be, then you’ll have kids. If you don’t have kids, you’ll have young teenagers, sometimes both. They’re both as bad as eachother and both potentially loud and extremely stupid. There isn’t any proven way to shutting these two unfavourable groups up yet, but you can almost bet your shiny Hush Puppy shoes that they’ll be there, and they will talk. They’ll talk through the adverts, and the fuckers won’t even stop for the trailers. What is going on with the world when the next generation doesn’t respect the sanctity of upcoming feature previews? You know you’re in trouble if they keep chatting into the opening credits of the main feature, that is the key. If everyone hushes then, you can usually forget about it, but if those girls keep giggling or reading out messages from their mobile phone it’s time to get medieval.
Other mediocre issues can and probably will include occasionally glitches in the sound or picture quality during the trailers, adjustments to the picture during the film itself, perhaps even the chance of the film-reel being put on in reverse. Others may also munch popcorn, leave their mobiles on loud, take a quick visit to the toilet or shh eachother repetitively when you get two groups mentioned above competing for territory, like lions on the plains of Africa, only of less interest to established wildlife groups. The pros outweigh the cons with the cinema, which in itself is an experience before the film even gets going. It’s a tradition, a staple, a god-damn institution that should never be allowed to die out, and it really does have no substitute.
9/10
Next week we have a look at the living room with friends, the drive-in and watching pirate downloads of films on your PC. Grreat.
Written by Ace.
Your headphones only play to one ear, the cabin lights are too bight and to make it worse the person next to you is either flipping enthusiastically through the in-flight magazine or pointing out how much every item of duty-free costs to whoever is unfortunate enough to be sitting the other side of them. Sometimes the fuckers do both, ye gods, can you imagine it?
Watching a movie on a plane is simply one of the worst places to experience film and even when you weight up the situation, accept the inadequate picture and sound quality, you better believe someone else will ruin it for you. The last thing your chum in the next seat wants to do is let you enjoy the director’s cut of Donnie Darko, he wants to decimate any shred of pleasure from the event, extract the remains with an industrial strength mining implement and then discuss the success of the operation with you afterwards.
Say you’re lucky enough to be seated alongside a heavy sleeper or a corpse -- don’t let my pessimistic rant above mislead you, this could happen -- then you can consider yourself lucky. Then you only have the following problems to contend with: The screens. Now unless you’re flying Virgin Atlantic or you’re in a 747, they won’t be anywhere near you. In fact, not only are they too few and far between, half the time you’re guaranteed to be seated right under one of them, ie. Maximum distance from the nearest screen you can watch without dislocating your neck. Better yet, you could even bribe the guy behind you to exchange seats with the rest of your Bacardi miniature, but forget that, because you’ll need it to dampen this ultimately unsatisfying experience later on.
Then there are those people with no bladders who insist on going to the plane’s toilet every 5 minutes, trolleys of food stopping right under your screen so the stewardess can not only serve the fat bastard on the other side with five servings of pretzels and mini-cheddars, but also chat with other passengers nearby about how great planes are and how they enjoyed the movie when it was shown on the flight back from Corfu last week. It was overnight and most passengers were asleep the whole time, you see? Great.
So, you have bad sound, a small badly-lit screen that can be obstructed, you have crappy legroom and annoying neighbours. You got toilet-breakers, food-servers, consumers, digesters, page-flickers and loud snorers and even then, you can’t watch anything above a 12A. They even make you pay for headphones on some flights, the money-grabbing, crap-film-showing, always-so-fucking-friendly fiends.
2/10
The Cinema, the Mecca of film-loving students and connoisseurs alike. Is there anywhere better to enjoy a new blockbuster or re-run of a classic? Leading questions like that tend to suggest to me that perhaps there isn’t. It has everything, perfect sound, great picture quality on huge screens and quality, albeit expensive, food. In fact, on paper there isn’t really anything about the cinema to complain about. I’ve watched more films at the cinema than on an aeroplane by several hundred but there is much more to say about the farce that is mile-high film appreciation.
Or is there? The cinema may be the daddy of all locations, but it’s the people who really mess this up and more regularly than you can ignore as well. If you’re seeing a PG or a 12A (12A now being the most common film rating in the UK), which now and again you will be, then you’ll have kids. If you don’t have kids, you’ll have young teenagers, sometimes both. They’re both as bad as eachother and both potentially loud and extremely stupid. There isn’t any proven way to shutting these two unfavourable groups up yet, but you can almost bet your shiny Hush Puppy shoes that they’ll be there, and they will talk. They’ll talk through the adverts, and the fuckers won’t even stop for the trailers. What is going on with the world when the next generation doesn’t respect the sanctity of upcoming feature previews? You know you’re in trouble if they keep chatting into the opening credits of the main feature, that is the key. If everyone hushes then, you can usually forget about it, but if those girls keep giggling or reading out messages from their mobile phone it’s time to get medieval.
Other mediocre issues can and probably will include occasionally glitches in the sound or picture quality during the trailers, adjustments to the picture during the film itself, perhaps even the chance of the film-reel being put on in reverse. Others may also munch popcorn, leave their mobiles on loud, take a quick visit to the toilet or shh eachother repetitively when you get two groups mentioned above competing for territory, like lions on the plains of Africa, only of less interest to established wildlife groups. The pros outweigh the cons with the cinema, which in itself is an experience before the film even gets going. It’s a tradition, a staple, a god-damn institution that should never be allowed to die out, and it really does have no substitute.
9/10
Next week we have a look at the living room with friends, the drive-in and watching pirate downloads of films on your PC. Grreat.
Written by Ace.