MAIN » ARTICLESOn Jumanji: A Critical Analysis of a PG while Drunk
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Foreward
I turned off the engine and got out of the car. I don't usually like taking such short journeys but this was essential. I made sure I had the tape in my pocket and headed towards the back door of the house.
D was in the kitchen when I opened the door, he turned to face me and I horsely whispered a single word to him.
“Jumanji”.
I grabbed the Jack Daniels and two shot glasses, slid the tape into the VHS player and hit rewind. D passed by the remains of his Mexican Fajita pot noodle which I gleefully consumed. The tape was taking a long time to rewind, we were almost ready to begin.
Dave
D
Ok, the rules are we have a shot when something comes out of the board.
Sounds perfect to me.
And I'll try and keep up making a note of what we are saying. Hopefully by the end of this we'll have something vaguely interesting.
What's the title?
On Jumanji: A Critical Analysis of a PG while Drunk
That's pretty cool title.
Yah.
[D keeps me amused with a couple of anecdotes as we wait longer and longer for the fecking tape].
I think know why DVDs are so popular.
Must be done by now. What time is it? Going to be gone midnight by the time we start. Do you reckon it will make a noise when it stops?
Yeh, probably “Gnar”.
This was hilarious when we watching hung over, god knows what it will be like when we're drunk.
[We reminisce about the episode of Scrubs we watching 2 hours ago].
Why is it taking so long?!
It's just shit.
Are you writing everything we say?
Pretty much.
[The tape gnars to a stand still].
I dont think anyone cares about video piracy any more.
Piracy has definatly moved on in the last 10 years or so.
“If it is romantic, it might have some sexy scenes” - BBFC Woman.
[We place the first rounds of shots on a slanted chair, praying this doesn't bite us in the arse later on].
Great expectations look shit, except that was Sense and Sensibility which also looks shit.
[A trailer for a cartoon seems to be sex-ed in cartoon form, it's apparently called the Swan Princess].
Is this it?
I hope so.
I don;' think it is, oh maybe. Yessss.
Great special effects.
Jumanji!
I love this quote...
“May god have mercy on our souls” - 1862 boy.
That such a great line.
Yeh, its got to be noted.
That sign that said 1m Brantford, I thought it said “I'm Brantford!”
[We laugh].
Oh evil kids!
Billy Jessop, or whatever his name is.
I love those old time bikes.
Yeh.
You know whose coming up!
The soul man!
[Chuckles] I'm Brantford.
[D has a sip of his shot].
We're not going to get a drink for a while are we.
No.
The kids are circling outside! Circling nothing.
They then start to kick the shit out of his bike.
[We laugh as the bullies ran out from all the trees they were apparently hiding behind].
I'm Brantford!
“Jerks!” - Alan Parish
Oh the drums.
Here come the drums.
I don't know why no one questions the fact there is a kid wandering around a building site.
Great safety isn't it.
Jumanji.
Jumanji.
Oh look, the builders have noticed.
Nice house.
Yeh.
Imagine if there was really a game like jumanji, it would be great fun. Imagine a stampede going through Martlesham.
“Oh Alan, not again!” - Alans Mum
As if it is a daily occurrence.
“Maybe I don't want to be a parish!” - Alan
Low blow.
“Get your coat” - Alans Dad
Here comes the drinking.
Bats!
We know have to do one when Alan goes into the board and another when the bats come out!
We're going to struggle to fill these up in time.
Totally worth it.
Ah what's her name?
Kirsten. In the days before it was legal to have erotic thoughts about her.
I so would.
Theres a few thats what she said moments coming up.
Here we go another hard luck story. How many things come out of the board?
About 12 or 14.
Wolf boy!
Wolf boy!
Peter's dildo is lying around.
Yay, we can all have ice cream!
The way the shirt is tucked into the trousers isn't that hot.
I think that's just how they wore them back then.
You've got to love old men scaring children.
And here we have the pointless montage.
An amazing transformation.
What's coming up next?
Er monkey's I think isn't it? Or is it mosquitoes?
There was a game on top called 'Kimbo'
I wonder what that entails.
Look it up on the internet.
“Kimbo Slice (born c. 1974) is a Miami, Florida-based underground boxer and street fighter. He has appeared in three full length bare-knuckle fights available through the internet and P2P file-sharing networks. Kimbo is looking for promoters to make his official sanctioned MMA debut in 2006 according to his trainer, Marcos Avellan at Freestyle Fighting Academy.”
[We have a shot for the mozzies just after laughing at Kimbo Slice].
God damn monkeys. Is that another one?
Yep.
[Shot for the monkeys].
Stop rolling the god damn dice!
Haha! No skill involved!
Lion!
[D burps, the lion hits some random keys on the keyboard]
I'd love it if he played a little tune.
There he is, hairy Alan.
That's the last one for a bit, shot I mean.
God I hope so.
[We laugh at Hairy Alans – “Huh!”]
Carl Bentley, the soul man!
How do the monkey know how to drive?
I don't know.
Fucking tarzan! “TO FIND MY PARENTS!”
Theres's two tramps.
It's such a bum town.
Yeh, like Staford.
Yeh, all the industry has packed up as well.
It's kinda a bit harsh, “I see them know and then, they're dead”.
And they died with, like, a month of each other.
Hmm. What year did he go missing.
Er, like 69.
Must have died young. What's a ringling brother?
Wolf boy morphs from out of site.
Must be his wolf powers.
Toilet break.
Bloody hell, he's shaved his beard of since I went up stairs.
What the hell,
How old is he? How does he know the words reverse psycology.
I know I didn't at that age. Wolf boy must be some kind of genious.
He's like one of the kids in X men.
Wolverine Jr!
He does look like like his son. Remember when Walling had a beard and he looked like Wolverine.
Totally.
[The woman] lives in a bit of a dump doesn't she.
I wonder how much psychis earn per year.
“You killed him” That's wolf man's best line.
[Woman goes mental at seeing the board]
You'd think he's just got his cock out.
This is where he tricks her.
[Both laugh].
Stupid woman.
We drink in a second.
Plants!
Obviously.
“No quick movements”
Fukcing stupid wolf boy got caught.
Wolf boy always gets caught.
He's fucking useless.
“Harvest Time!”
MY NAME IS FINLEYYYYYY, AND I LOVE TO FIGHT!
[We laugh at the single tenticle which appears to be beckoning wilf boty]
See if I was them, before my next turn I would buy guns and shit.
You don't know what's coming out, that's the problem.
Guns solve any problem.
Not the lagoon.
Well no.
If this was scary movey, you'd see Michael Jackson slip his cock.
Van Pelt!
Your shirt.
“Hunter from the deepest wild, makes you feel just like a child”.
He doens't look anything like the actor who plays his dad. Jamie Shields knew!
Allegedly.
[We laugh at the black man as he cries “MY CAR!”]
Getting quiet drunk now.
Yeh.
Van Pelt is awesome though.
Shit I just posted in the black man again, i'll just work round it.
God we have to drink again.
Looks like it. Whats next anyway?
Stampede I think.
I'd set up a proper perimeter before I rolled, then shot the shit out of anything.
What do you reckon life was like in the jungle? Fucking stampedes and Van Pelt all the time?
Must have been chaos.
Fucking nob head who steals the board game.
Shit, pasted the black man back in again.
Your not a postal worker are you? That;s coming up.
This is where he pours the gold down.
Type in postal masacres and see if it comes up with anything.
Ok.
“Going Postal examines the phenomenon of rage murder that took America by storm in the early 1980's and has since grown yearly in body counts and symbolic value. By looking at massacres in schools and offices as post-industrial rebellions, Mark Ames is able to juxtapose the historical place of rage in America with the social climate after Reaganomics began to effect worker's paychecks. But why high schools? Why post offices? Mark Ames examines the most fascinating and unexpected cases, crafting a convincing argument for workplace massacres as modern day slave rebellions. Like slave rebellions, rage massacres are doomed, gory, sometimes inadvertently comic, and grossly misunderstood. Going Postal seeks to contextualize this violence in a world where working isn't--and doesn't pay--what it used to. Part social critique and part true crime page-turner, Going Postal answers the questions asked by commentators on the nightly news and films such as Bowling for Columbine."
I guess shooting the shite out of post offices was all the rage before the high schools.
“Blast” - Van Pelt as he missed a shot at Alan
Wolf Boy cheats and becomes WOLF BOHY!
Peter getting hairly doesn't count. And that's fuckign terrible CGI.
Why are thwy stealing comptuers and sthit? Whats the pint?
Wait for the refliction in te mirroe.
[We wait, laugh]./
Ah, sir Sav-a-lot.
He needs something to run to.
This is where he gets pawned?
What?
You know, like wasted.
[Van Pelt shoots the shit out of the place, D makes masturbation noises].
Alan says not to worry as hes driven before but seriously, its automatic, just accelarte and turn the wheel.
Like playing a game.
Pretty much yah.
This bit is homealoneesque.
Yeh definatly.
I'm going to go grab some salad.
[We talk about Brie, D goes to the loo].
Touching moment.
What did he say again?
Something about turning into his father.
About his tail?
Yeh.
Shot time coming up?
Ineed.
That looks pretty good. The view of the house.
Good mise-en-scene.
Here comes Van Paint, what is his black hand about?
Who knows.
Dice has been roled!
Oh, shit.
Ah, monsoon!
There can't be many more things to come out?
No.
Pro Evo will be interesting.
I'm sure we'll storm them.
I think we should drink.
Okies.
They're gonna lose it again.
Yeh.
This ones gone really quickly hasn't it.
[Dave quickly shakes his head[.
He hasn't learn't has he.
Silly black man.
Quikc sand.
Now the spiders.
Damn floor face. Spiders! Time to drink.
Felling quiet drunk now, was that the last one do you reckon?
I hope so.
Successfully achieved the mission so far. Aunt Nora would get it.
I'd give it to Aunt Nora, in the face.
Eearther quake!
He does look like a mini-wolverine doesn't he.
Tottally.
Here's the end! Wait for it, “Any last words?”
“Jumanji”.
Wha?
I think I'm going to take a bonus shot for the jumanji round, you interested?
Na.
[D starts speaking insureance jubberish].
That's me done. I think. For like a year.
[Dave laughs]
Shall we phone lawrence?
Why not hey?
I haven't got my phone.
Look how ugly that girl is.
She is well ugly, looks like she got hit in the face by an ugly stick.
She is about as ugly Maxi Lopez of Barcelona.
I'll take your word for that.
At this piint they should cut to 30 years in the future to soul man and his trainer party. Duh duh do do dug do do.
Huh huh yeh.
Wouldn't it be great if it was found by Justin King in a river in Scotland.
“Hey Thomas Walling, do you want to play this game”.
“Oooo yes Justin, I'm remarkably camp!”
I want that deleted.
No chance.
Walling roles the first dice. Typical “In Ipswich you must wait, till the dice reads five or eight.”
[Laughs]
Ooo, tapes fucking up.
Oh.
Ah the fucking frogs.
Right.
Well that;s the end.
Why havn't you been to the toilet, what the fucks wrong ith you?
I'm like a human camel.
Written by Dave Randall and Chris Double.
Foreward
I turned off the engine and got out of the car. I don't usually like taking such short journeys but this was essential. I made sure I had the tape in my pocket and headed towards the back door of the house.
D was in the kitchen when I opened the door, he turned to face me and I horsely whispered a single word to him.
“Jumanji”.
I grabbed the Jack Daniels and two shot glasses, slid the tape into the VHS player and hit rewind. D passed by the remains of his Mexican Fajita pot noodle which I gleefully consumed. The tape was taking a long time to rewind, we were almost ready to begin.
Dave
D
Ok, the rules are we have a shot when something comes out of the board.
Sounds perfect to me.
And I'll try and keep up making a note of what we are saying. Hopefully by the end of this we'll have something vaguely interesting.
What's the title?
On Jumanji: A Critical Analysis of a PG while Drunk
That's pretty cool title.
Yah.
[D keeps me amused with a couple of anecdotes as we wait longer and longer for the fecking tape].
I think know why DVDs are so popular.
Must be done by now. What time is it? Going to be gone midnight by the time we start. Do you reckon it will make a noise when it stops?
Yeh, probably “Gnar”.
This was hilarious when we watching hung over, god knows what it will be like when we're drunk.
[We reminisce about the episode of Scrubs we watching 2 hours ago].
Why is it taking so long?!
It's just shit.
Are you writing everything we say?
Pretty much.
[The tape gnars to a stand still].
I dont think anyone cares about video piracy any more.
Piracy has definatly moved on in the last 10 years or so.
“If it is romantic, it might have some sexy scenes” - BBFC Woman.
[We place the first rounds of shots on a slanted chair, praying this doesn't bite us in the arse later on].
Great expectations look shit, except that was Sense and Sensibility which also looks shit.
[A trailer for a cartoon seems to be sex-ed in cartoon form, it's apparently called the Swan Princess].
Is this it?
I hope so.
I don;' think it is, oh maybe. Yessss.
Great special effects.
Jumanji!
I love this quote...
“May god have mercy on our souls” - 1862 boy.
That such a great line.
Yeh, its got to be noted.
That sign that said 1m Brantford, I thought it said “I'm Brantford!”
[We laugh].
Oh evil kids!
Billy Jessop, or whatever his name is.
I love those old time bikes.
Yeh.
You know whose coming up!
The soul man!
[Chuckles] I'm Brantford.
[D has a sip of his shot].
We're not going to get a drink for a while are we.
No.
The kids are circling outside! Circling nothing.
They then start to kick the shit out of his bike.
[We laugh as the bullies ran out from all the trees they were apparently hiding behind].
I'm Brantford!
“Jerks!” - Alan Parish
Oh the drums.
Here come the drums.
I don't know why no one questions the fact there is a kid wandering around a building site.
Great safety isn't it.
Jumanji.
Jumanji.
Oh look, the builders have noticed.
Nice house.
Yeh.
Imagine if there was really a game like jumanji, it would be great fun. Imagine a stampede going through Martlesham.
“Oh Alan, not again!” - Alans Mum
As if it is a daily occurrence.
“Maybe I don't want to be a parish!” - Alan
Low blow.
“Get your coat” - Alans Dad
Here comes the drinking.
Bats!
We know have to do one when Alan goes into the board and another when the bats come out!
We're going to struggle to fill these up in time.
Totally worth it.
Ah what's her name?
Kirsten. In the days before it was legal to have erotic thoughts about her.
I so would.
Theres a few thats what she said moments coming up.
Here we go another hard luck story. How many things come out of the board?
About 12 or 14.
Wolf boy!
Wolf boy!
Peter's dildo is lying around.
Yay, we can all have ice cream!
The way the shirt is tucked into the trousers isn't that hot.
I think that's just how they wore them back then.
You've got to love old men scaring children.
And here we have the pointless montage.
An amazing transformation.
What's coming up next?
Er monkey's I think isn't it? Or is it mosquitoes?
There was a game on top called 'Kimbo'
I wonder what that entails.
Look it up on the internet.
“Kimbo Slice (born c. 1974) is a Miami, Florida-based underground boxer and street fighter. He has appeared in three full length bare-knuckle fights available through the internet and P2P file-sharing networks. Kimbo is looking for promoters to make his official sanctioned MMA debut in 2006 according to his trainer, Marcos Avellan at Freestyle Fighting Academy.”
[We have a shot for the mozzies just after laughing at Kimbo Slice].
God damn monkeys. Is that another one?
Yep.
[Shot for the monkeys].
Stop rolling the god damn dice!
Haha! No skill involved!
Lion!
[D burps, the lion hits some random keys on the keyboard]
I'd love it if he played a little tune.
There he is, hairy Alan.
That's the last one for a bit, shot I mean.
God I hope so.
[We laugh at Hairy Alans – “Huh!”]
Carl Bentley, the soul man!
How do the monkey know how to drive?
I don't know.
Fucking tarzan! “TO FIND MY PARENTS!”
Theres's two tramps.
It's such a bum town.
Yeh, like Staford.
Yeh, all the industry has packed up as well.
It's kinda a bit harsh, “I see them know and then, they're dead”.
And they died with, like, a month of each other.
Hmm. What year did he go missing.
Er, like 69.
Must have died young. What's a ringling brother?
Wolf boy morphs from out of site.
Must be his wolf powers.
Toilet break.
Bloody hell, he's shaved his beard of since I went up stairs.
What the hell,
How old is he? How does he know the words reverse psycology.
I know I didn't at that age. Wolf boy must be some kind of genious.
He's like one of the kids in X men.
Wolverine Jr!
He does look like like his son. Remember when Walling had a beard and he looked like Wolverine.
Totally.
[The woman] lives in a bit of a dump doesn't she.
I wonder how much psychis earn per year.
“You killed him” That's wolf man's best line.
[Woman goes mental at seeing the board]
You'd think he's just got his cock out.
This is where he tricks her.
[Both laugh].
Stupid woman.
We drink in a second.
Plants!
Obviously.
“No quick movements”
Fukcing stupid wolf boy got caught.
Wolf boy always gets caught.
He's fucking useless.
“Harvest Time!”
MY NAME IS FINLEYYYYYY, AND I LOVE TO FIGHT!
[We laugh at the single tenticle which appears to be beckoning wilf boty]
See if I was them, before my next turn I would buy guns and shit.
You don't know what's coming out, that's the problem.
Guns solve any problem.
Not the lagoon.
Well no.
If this was scary movey, you'd see Michael Jackson slip his cock.
Van Pelt!
Your shirt.
“Hunter from the deepest wild, makes you feel just like a child”.
He doens't look anything like the actor who plays his dad. Jamie Shields knew!
Allegedly.
[We laugh at the black man as he cries “MY CAR!”]
Getting quiet drunk now.
Yeh.
Van Pelt is awesome though.
Shit I just posted in the black man again, i'll just work round it.
God we have to drink again.
Looks like it. Whats next anyway?
Stampede I think.
I'd set up a proper perimeter before I rolled, then shot the shit out of anything.
What do you reckon life was like in the jungle? Fucking stampedes and Van Pelt all the time?
Must have been chaos.
Fucking nob head who steals the board game.
Shit, pasted the black man back in again.
Your not a postal worker are you? That;s coming up.
This is where he pours the gold down.
Type in postal masacres and see if it comes up with anything.
Ok.
“Going Postal examines the phenomenon of rage murder that took America by storm in the early 1980's and has since grown yearly in body counts and symbolic value. By looking at massacres in schools and offices as post-industrial rebellions, Mark Ames is able to juxtapose the historical place of rage in America with the social climate after Reaganomics began to effect worker's paychecks. But why high schools? Why post offices? Mark Ames examines the most fascinating and unexpected cases, crafting a convincing argument for workplace massacres as modern day slave rebellions. Like slave rebellions, rage massacres are doomed, gory, sometimes inadvertently comic, and grossly misunderstood. Going Postal seeks to contextualize this violence in a world where working isn't--and doesn't pay--what it used to. Part social critique and part true crime page-turner, Going Postal answers the questions asked by commentators on the nightly news and films such as Bowling for Columbine."
I guess shooting the shite out of post offices was all the rage before the high schools.
“Blast” - Van Pelt as he missed a shot at Alan
Wolf Boy cheats and becomes WOLF BOHY!
Peter getting hairly doesn't count. And that's fuckign terrible CGI.
Why are thwy stealing comptuers and sthit? Whats the pint?
Wait for the refliction in te mirroe.
[We wait, laugh]./
Ah, sir Sav-a-lot.
He needs something to run to.
This is where he gets pawned?
What?
You know, like wasted.
[Van Pelt shoots the shit out of the place, D makes masturbation noises].
Alan says not to worry as hes driven before but seriously, its automatic, just accelarte and turn the wheel.
Like playing a game.
Pretty much yah.
This bit is homealoneesque.
Yeh definatly.
I'm going to go grab some salad.
[We talk about Brie, D goes to the loo].
Touching moment.
What did he say again?
Something about turning into his father.
About his tail?
Yeh.
Shot time coming up?
Ineed.
That looks pretty good. The view of the house.
Good mise-en-scene.
Here comes Van Paint, what is his black hand about?
Who knows.
Dice has been roled!
Oh, shit.
Ah, monsoon!
There can't be many more things to come out?
No.
Pro Evo will be interesting.
I'm sure we'll storm them.
I think we should drink.
Okies.
They're gonna lose it again.
Yeh.
This ones gone really quickly hasn't it.
[Dave quickly shakes his head[.
He hasn't learn't has he.
Silly black man.
Quikc sand.
Now the spiders.
Damn floor face. Spiders! Time to drink.
Felling quiet drunk now, was that the last one do you reckon?
I hope so.
Successfully achieved the mission so far. Aunt Nora would get it.
I'd give it to Aunt Nora, in the face.
Eearther quake!
He does look like a mini-wolverine doesn't he.
Tottally.
Here's the end! Wait for it, “Any last words?”
“Jumanji”.
Wha?
I think I'm going to take a bonus shot for the jumanji round, you interested?
Na.
[D starts speaking insureance jubberish].
That's me done. I think. For like a year.
[Dave laughs]
Shall we phone lawrence?
Why not hey?
I haven't got my phone.
Look how ugly that girl is.
She is well ugly, looks like she got hit in the face by an ugly stick.
She is about as ugly Maxi Lopez of Barcelona.
I'll take your word for that.
At this piint they should cut to 30 years in the future to soul man and his trainer party. Duh duh do do dug do do.
Huh huh yeh.
Wouldn't it be great if it was found by Justin King in a river in Scotland.
“Hey Thomas Walling, do you want to play this game”.
“Oooo yes Justin, I'm remarkably camp!”
I want that deleted.
No chance.
Walling roles the first dice. Typical “In Ipswich you must wait, till the dice reads five or eight.”
[Laughs]
Ooo, tapes fucking up.
Oh.
Ah the fucking frogs.
Right.
Well that;s the end.
Why havn't you been to the toilet, what the fucks wrong ith you?
I'm like a human camel.
Written by Dave Randall and Chris Double.