1. A Decimal Point
        - I'm a dot in place

2. A Metal Detector
        - Reacted to metal.

3. A tampon consumed a cigar
        - Now that's what I call absorbent!

4. Albert Einstein
        - Ten elite brains

5. Alicia Silverstone
        - Erotica Villainess

6. American coffee
        - A offence! A crime!

7. Animosity
        - Is No Amity

8. Apple Macintosh
        - Laptop machines!

9. Arnold Schwarzenegger
        - He's grown large 'n' crazed

10. Arrived a day late
         - Arrived at a delay.

11. Australia
         - A trial USA

12. Axl Rose
         - Oral Sex

13. Bottoms Up!
         - Pubs' motto!

14. Breasts
         - Set bras

15. British Airways
         - This is war by air

16. Bruce Willis
         - I screw. I bull.

17. But the wicked shall be cut off from the earth, and the transgressors shall be rooted out of it.
         - A crowd of true butthead sodomites! The abhorrent fuckers shall be sent off straight to Hell.

18. Celine Dion
         - No, I decline

19. Chicken Noodle Soup
         - Poison choked Uncle...

20. Chinese Takeaway
         - Nasty! I ache a week

21. Clint Eastwood
         - Old West action!

22. Contradiction
         - Accord not in it

23. Cure for a hangover
         - Reach over for a gun

24. Diego Maradona
         - An adored amigo

25. Desperation
         - A rope ends it

26. Dormitory
         - Dirty room

27. Eleven plus two
         - Twelve plus one

28. Elle Macpherson
         - Her men collapse

29. Elvis
         - Lives!

30. Equal opportunities
         - Quieter populations

31. Evangelist
         - Evil's agent

32. Funeral
         - Real fun

33. Gillian Anderson
         - No aliens, darling

34. Heads or Tails?
         - I herald a toss!

35. Henry Miller
         - Merry in Hell

36. Kentucky Fried Chicken
         - Chef dick in turkey neck

37. Listen
         - Silent

38. Liverpool Street Station
         - Ole! Trainspotters love it!

39. Marines
         - Remains

40. Marriage
         - A grim era

41. Masturbation
         - A moan, - it burst!

42. Mel Gibson
         - Big melons

43. Mike Tyson
         - Sit, monkey!

44. Mother-in-law
         - Woman Hitler

45. Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island
         - Two Canadian Provinces - lands I dread!

46. Oscar Wilde
         - Ladies' crow

47. Pentium Processor
         - Computerises Porn

48. Pepsi Cola
         - Episcopal

49. Power Macintosh
         - Now compare this!

50. Pre-menstrual tension
         - Men or internals upset

51. President Boris Yeltsin
         - One isn't terribly pissed

52. President Clinton attacks Saddam Hussein
         - It isn't ruthless and action-packed madness?

53. Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services
         - No crashes and not equaled. Airliner never errs. Try it!

54. Resume historic planet adventure joy.
         - Mercury - Just heat, not air. Speed on. Live.
         - Venus - Clouds, major heat. Pity I re-enter.
         - Earth - Deem us vital sunny port. Rejoice!
         - Mars - Thin air, cool. Jet-up ventures eyed.
         - Jupiter - Heavy, dense, I rule moon tracts.
         - Saturn - Thy placid eerie moon. Just veer.
         - Neptune - Sure is the major cold variety!
         - Uranus - Over some tiny ejecta dirt. Help!
         - Pluto - Just traversed in ice. Yearn home.

55. Rod Stewart
         - Rated worst

56. Saddam Hussein
         - Human's sad side

57. Santa in North Pole
         - Satan in Porn Hotel

58. Sean Connery
         - On any screen

59. Semolina
         - Is no meal

60. Singapore Airlines
         - Pioneer Asian girls

61. Slot Machines
         - Cash lost in 'em

62. Snooze Alarms
         - Alas! No more Z's

63. Ten Commandments
         - Most men can't mend

64. Tequila sunrise
         - It's urine's equal!

65. To be or not to be, that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
         - In one of the Bard's best-thought-of strategies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two front on how life turns rotten.

66. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong:
         - Thin man ran, makes large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

67. The Aids Virus
         - Hurts, I Advise

68. The Artist Formerly Known as 'Prince'
         - No first-rate workmanship recently!

69. The Earthquakes
         - That queer shake

70. The Grim Reaper
         - Prime gatherer

71. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
         - White Witch bothered another land

72. The Mafia
         - Am a thief

73. The Manic Street Preachers
         - Smarter, three-piece snatch

74. The Morse Code
         - Here come dots

75. The Public Art Galleries
         - Large picture halls, I bet

76. The World Cup in France
         - French win? A crude plot.

77. United Nations
         - Tainted Unions

78. Vegetarian
         - Eat Vinegar

79. West Ham United
         - The new stadium

80. When you enjoy something, you must never let logic get too much in the way. Like the villains in all the James Bond movies. Whenever Bond breaks into the complex: 'Ah, Mr. Bond, welcome, come in. Let me show you my entire evil plan and then put you in a death machine that doesn't work'. - Jerry Seinfeld, "Sein Language"
         - Double-O-Seven has sex with plenty of women, too, but he never puts on a condom. Come on, you eerie, English agent! You can't have them all. There's pregnancy, Aids. I just know love'll kill you eventually. 'I'm intelligent, I'm bright, me, me, me. The job? Her Majesty can wait!'... Chase Dr. No, not women! - Mey K., in "Hide ID, Win Her Hand!"

81. William Butler Yeats
         - A really sublime twit

82. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
         - A famous German waltz god

83. You're that good eh?
         - Thou adore thy ego!