how to hack: a guide


CHAPTER 4 Clothing, Appearance and Attitude

The definitive hacker wears jeans, faded blue jeans, a white or plain t-shirt and also wears glasses and has 'shaggy' or 'unmanagable' hair. The definitive hacker is a male, around 28 years of age who has a history with the feds or was beaten up by his father as a child, quite possibly both. As stated in the original Hackers Handbook by John Grisham one in every twenty hackers will be a stunning female of around 23 years of age who will seduce male hackers, weakening them, so she can appear superior. This is just one of the perils and pleasures of being a hacker, though statistics say only 6% of hackers will experience this.

This appearance is not just there to get the women though, oh no, if you really want to become a master hacker you need to get into the role, you need to look the part, feel the part. This, as you will find out, opens many doors into new possibilities - the main one being the clichéd conversation with an adversary over a rectangular table with a single desk lamp on situated in an empty police interrogation-style room, starting like so: 'So you walk the walk, but do you talk the talk?', where you take it from there is entirely up to you as an individual.

I have outlined the definition hacker in their most basic of descriptions, but seeing as the entire philosophy of hacking revolves around rebellion-like anti-authority feelings and actions it would be unwise and unnecessary to follow those lines. Instead here is some simple guidelines you should try to stick to whilst in the profession, or whilst 'walking the walk', as it were:


Comfort is Comfort
If you're not comfortable with what you look like, you have no future in the game. Most hackers are mentally unstable, suffer from depression, are anti-social and shower infrequently, but this doesn't mean you have to dress entirely like an invalid. As mentioned before, jeans are the pantalons of choice as they offer comfort with durability and won't ware thin whilst you crawl about on the carpet attempting to plug in a device to the 'system', or insert or remove a 'floppy disk' from the 'drive'. They also come in a variety of shades, don't be shy about experimenting. A t-shirt one size up is recommended to hang loose, the style is usually untucked as this gives room to move and lets your torso breathe and the last thing you want to be doing whilst downloading the virus is have to rearrange your corsage.

Be Inconspicuous
Drawing attention to yourself will usually bring about unwanted interference, eye-witnesses and death penalties. You should try to remain unnoticed as often as possible, walk in the shadows, avoid standing on pedestals and using speakerphone in public places. Clothing downstairs will usually come in light to dark blues, blacks and light colours, a shirt ideally should be white, avoid brand names and large logos and at all costs avoid bright colours or Hawaiian designs. The only exception to this guidance is possibly a 'glow-in-the-dark' type job for when you just can't find the bloody torch.

Accessorise!
Again, don't be afraid to let yourself go when it comes to how you dress. Remember comfort is comfort, so if you feel the need to wear a chef's hat or a bandana during your work then you should do that. These exotic head-gear kinds should only be worn inside the building, next to the terminal, out of view of all surveillance as it will draw attention to you quickly in public, and invariably lead to more witnesses at the trial. If you must wear a hat in public to hide that hideous haircut then simply go with the economy baseball hat, but make sure you carry a few to confuse the enemy and swtich them around at regular intervals. A wallet is a bad idea as they usually contain money or I.D. which can both be valuable especially when they suddenly fall into the wrong hands, or the wrong trousers. Other than that, anything else about your person is up to you, but we recommend you avoid facial tattoos or piercing for reasons, both obvious and not so.

Remember
A nice pair of sheepskin gloves not only looks fantastic, but also prevents unwanted fingerprints as well!




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