http://www.apple.com

So it looks like a lamp.

Lets look at it from the point of view that it is a lamp, it emits light, it probably has an on/off switch type scenario going on, it plugs into the wall – perhaps it is a lamp.

Lamps have been around for many centuries, in the days before electricity life was shit. People rubbed sticks together to make fire, which they would then ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ at, before touching it and burning themselves. Eventually the citizens of Wales evolved and woke up in the 21st century and switched to British Gas.

Lamps evolved from the early gas lamps, burning fuels to produce a flame. This was dangerous and the light was unsatisfactory. Unfortunately because society is a ridiculous idea nothing ever changed and people just assumed that candles were the best thing since an uncut loaf. Eventually a scientist invented electricity, it really was that simple, and the ‘electric’ lamp was born. It used a thing called a “bulb”, which got worse as it evolved. In modern times they now have “energy efficient bulbs”, which are pathetic.

The classic lamp is going out of fashion in the 21st century, the old ‘bank manager’ lamp still has retro appeal amongst small groups of business men who like to think they’re executives. The only thing saving lamps from become just another museum artefact is the Halogen models. They use a tiny bulb, yet emit an extremely bright high quality, high density light worthy of anyone’s abode. Once upon a time they were described as post-modern… anyway, spot lights are in, lamp shades are out, and flowery patterns… don’t even get me started. Lava lamps are back in, energy saving lamps are still out and if you have one, I suggest you drop it out of the window, watch it smash into many pieces and then wait there laughing until the paperboy cuts himself on the pieces.

In summary, unless you’re rich – and you’re not. The new iMac is out of your league, and you shouldn’t care. Don’t lose sleep, keep eating, don’t drink, try to think and experiment with your sexuality.

Speed: 16/20
Control: 14/20
Damage: 3/20
Aggression: 0/20
Number of 20s in 20: 20/20

49%
“You’ll never admit to it – but you want one”

Article Written by Jay
jay@theonlinenet.co.uk