On Mondays there are pretty much two things that I hate, either doing, or having to think about doing in the future tense. The list of things that I dislike so on Mondays are: video notes, essays, and morning paper rounds. OK, that list is of three things, but perhaps it is your fault for underestimating the amount of hatred in me.

This very morning, I was unlucky enough to have to carry out one of these tasks, and even more unluckily it happened to be the worst of all evil tasks, perhaps the Zen of all bad things to do on a Monday morning, the Monday morning paper round. Oh why does the morning torture me so, waking me up hours before nature intended, stripping me of any manly respect that I might behold.

At around 6.45 the blasted alarm clock taunts me with it’s infernal bleeping, and only smugly stops when I raise myself from the womb of warmth that is my bed. Cursing I pull on clothes and after having a much resented bowl of Sainsburys ‘frosted flakes’ with milk. I pull the trusty specialized from the shed, and ride off into the dawn of a new day.

This particular morning I was less alert than the normal, and as a consequence I felt all the more knackered and less grateful for the ‘wonderful’ earth that I had chosen to be a part of. I desperately needed sleep, and the pressures of having to go to school to disappear somehow. Whilst fondling the money in my pocket and dreaming of the tasty snack that I would be able to purchase with it, a small hard object fell into my hand. Curious to what this nodule of unknown ness might prove to mean for me I fondled it a bit more, it seemed small, cylindrical, and quite hard, but still a bit squidgy, and with pointy bits on the top. Excited as a schoolboy I removed the alien nipple shaped object from my pocket, to realise to my extreme joy that it was a fruit gum. I felt like I could explode with the happiness of a thousand giggling fat men on motorcycles, this was almost the happiest day of my life and I was glad that I had got up that morning so that I was able to find the snack, and it wasn’t left to go even mouldier and squidgier than it already was.



God Bless America

I popped it in my mouth and savoured the sugary goodness, the small energy boost, and tangy taste that it passed to me was enough to complete the paper round, almost glad that I had got up that morning.

God bless you Rowntrees.


Article Written by the Robe
robhendy@btinternet.com