This was without doubt one of the most eagerly anticipated movies of the year and had a lot to live up to. I (hangs head in shame) am yet to experience Tolkien's books but I was assured they were masterpieces.

The cinema was packed, I joked about needing a nutrient drip to sustain life during a four hour movie, but Tolkien had the last laugh. To steal a quote from one of the characters in the film, the movie was "like butter, spread to thinly on bread". The film dragged on like a high-school awards evening, people were making retching sounds after 3 hours, presumably from malnutrition.

One of the things that immediately struck me about this film was the ease it could be made into a comedy. To briefly describe the story-line (and this is as brief as it gets), a lot of important people were given a ring each (around 20, I lost count) and each ring yielded them with the power to control their village / land / territory. Unfortunately, somehow, one of the leaders (I can't remember his name, too many names) decided to make an all-powerful ring from the flames of a volcano (I know it's stupid), and tried to rule the world. He was destroyed but the ring lived on and so did his spirit.

After a few thousand years his spirit suddenly decided to awake and his minions went after the ring. Frodo Baggings (I know it's stupid again) has the ring and with his trusty band of badly dressed poofters (apart from Sean Bean) he goes off to save the world.

The nearest thing to a female in this band of all-to-merry Warhammer rejects is Legolas. His clothes a Robin-Hood / Superman hybrid, with his trusty bow and arrow.

There is in fact NO SEX of any kind in the movie. This if far from Lord of the Minge, and we all know that especially in childrens movies, sex scenes are a necessity (not with children, I mean children watch more porn).

The opening scenes were impressive, great effects and a compelling and almost interesting story line. But it drags on, and on, until your mind starts to wonder about other things like leaving the gas on, and how coloured toothpaste comes out in stripes, not a gooey mush.

Two hours through the movie and I was quite bluntly, bored of the rings. I already had many questions, "Why doesn't this guy just make another ring?". "Why don't they just hide the ring?". "How did they get me to go and see this piece of (edited)?". The novelty of the clever lighting and occasional funny puns had worn off and I wanted out.

Two and a half hours and Sean Bean took 10 minutes to die from three arrows in the heart. It's more like they set out to make a 4 hour movie so they could say they made a 4 hour movie than so people got more for their money. They could've made this movie in 90 minutes if they'd have been selective and their audience would've been a damn sight more interested.

By this point I was wondering if I'd recognise my friends when they got out, if anyone had actually gone through puberty during this movie and how many people had passed away peacefully in the cinema.

It turned out that the only way the ring could be destroyed (yeh right) was to throw it in to the volcano it came from (unfortunately that place where Big Mr. Ringmaker lived). This is getting good I thought, people have been killed and they're going to get the bad guy.

The two people (both hobbits - don't ask) stood on the cliff and said some really gay compliments to each other and the screen went black. "Oh no!" I thought, "They've messed up the projector or something." Then the credits came on, "TO BE (edited) (edited) (edited) CONTINUED!". "What?" Where's the porn? The ending? I've sat here for nearly 4 hours and you're not gonna tell me what happened?".

Whores of the minge, lords of the ringpiece, rings of the lord, (edited) you Mr. Director. Your movie has less of a climax than sex with a animal trap.

Porn: 0/20
Effects: 17/20
Acting: 5/20
Swearing: 1/20
Drugs: 0/20

23%

"Non-climatic, porn free filth"

Article Written by Rog
rcreyke@hotmail.com